Zoë Bowyer

… or how to put up with me.

I am a fusspot. Particularly in the kitchen. I am so bad that D banishes me from the kitchen when he is cooking as I comment non-stop on how he is doing everything wrong (by my standards).

Take yesterday for example when D offered to make me cheese on toast for my lunch, I complained about how he made it. His first error was that he pre-toasted the bread in the toaster. My cheese is always lain on the untoasted side of a slice of bread. His second error was that he didn’t put enough brown sauce on. The result was that my cheese on toast was very dry. D pointed out to me that most people would just be delighted that someone cared enough to make them some food.

So, here are a few of the rules to keep me happy

1. Cheese on toast must be made with lashings of brown sauce. The bread must never be pre-toasted on both sides prior to the cheese being added.

2. Socks should always be stripey, unless they are gorgeous handmade socks.

3. I never wear orange.

4. I am always right.

5. Mashed potato must never be served lukewarm.

6. I don’t iron unless I really, really have to.

7. If food tastes bad I will get into a grump.

8. If I don’t answer a question when I am kniiting it is because I am counting stitches.

9. Music should be played loud.

10. The stereo and TV must never be on at the same time.