Zoë Bowyer

Day 1 – Travel by ferry to Scotland. Drive to Spean Bridge to pet-friendly guesthouse. Very pleasant, with fresh flowers all over the place. Gracie makes herself at home and jumps onto the bed. Eat in guesthouse restaurant – yummy food.

Day 2 – Eat smoked haddock for breakfast then climb Ben Nevis. Get drenched at top. Gracie barks loudly that she wants to go down again because she is cold. We attract the attention of a handsome Spanish man with very white teeth and travel back down the mountain with him. Back at the guest house we turn all the heaters on to dry our clothes and open the windows so we can breathe. Retire to bed with blocked sinuses.

Day 3 – Chase the Harry Potter train trying to get a decent photo. Take ferry over the sea to Skye. Arrive in Portree and purchase Tourist Hats from the Tibetan Fair Trade market so that locals know to treat us like idiots. Go for walk to the Old Man of Storr. Gracie thinks it is the best bit of the trip because the place is hootchin’ with rabbits. Eat in fish restaurant which is out of fish and chips. Very yummy mackerel instead.

Day 4 - Pissing with rain and wind howling. Put on Tourist Hats and drive around Trotternish peninsula in rain visiting many pleasant places. Arrive at campsite in lashing rain, drive around, eventually pick a spot. Man at campsite says that camping in this weather will be a true test of our relationship. Survive camping on the rainiest, windiest day of our holiday. Must be true love.

Day 5 – Plenty of opportunities to wear our Tourist Hats with visits to the wind-battered Neist Lighthouse and a dander from Glen Brittle. Tourist Hats had to be removed for a large section of the day in order to eat Magnums and bask in the sunshine.

Day 6 – Tourist Hats hardly on at all as sun blazing all day. Took a boat trip to Loch Coruisk, went for a walk, had a picnic. On return to campsite had showers as totally minging from days of camping. Put on skirt. Went out for very, very fancy dinner at The Three Chimneys. Gracie guarded the car while we ate.

Day 7 – Another Tourist Hat free day. Visited Coral Beaches but couldn’t get access to the turquoise water as it was surrounded by seaweed and shells. Paddled to cool our feet. Walked around the Quiraing on the Trotternish Peninsula. Gracie thought the Quiraing was great because it was hootchin’ with rabbits. She was disappointed not to be let off the lead, this was because she couldn’t be trusted after her visit to The Old Man of Storr.

Day 8 – Looked like another Tourist Hat free day, until we left the Isle of Skye and arrived by the not so bonnie banks of Loch Lomond. Pitched our tent in a campsite then changed our minds and erected it on a beach by the Loch at about 10 pm. Midges a real problem here and had to wear both Tourist Hat and Midge Net Hat. Slept in Tourist Hat.

Day 9 – Woken by Park Ranger telling us that we couldn’t camp where we were. Depressed by unwelcoming officials. Curse their midge-ridden-rotten Loch. Should have stayed in Skye! Get dressed and go for a walk along part of the West Highland Way. Then ferry back home.